The Jigtastic Journal of J. Na Na

With the passage of Proposition 8 in California, and amendments in other states banning same-sex marriage, I would like to further this cause in helping protect the sanctity of marriage by proposing a new amendment to the United States Constitution aptly titled the Protection of the Sanctity of Marriage Amendment.

Here are its three major clauses:
1. Since sex before marriage is a sin, both parties must prove their virginity before being permitted to marry. The future bride must undergo a medical examination to ensure she still has a hymen, and the future groom must likewise do so to ensure he’s never ejaculated.

2. Both parties must have co-habitated for at least a year, undergo rigorous psychological counseling to ensure compatibility, and appear before a trial by jury to guarantee they will have a successful and long-lasting marriage. Since there is a fifty percent divorce rate in this country, we are all to be considered guilty of trying to initiate a failed marriage until proven otherwise in a court of law.

3. This one I call the “love lost, limb lost” clause. That is, if you get a divorce or if you’re caught committing adultery, you will have the limb of your choice amputated as punishment. What better way to protect the pure, unfettered sanctity of marriage than to scare people into staying in it, right?

Let’s start collecting signatures, you guys!

This entry was posted on Monday, November 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.