The Jigtastic Journal of J. Na Na

When the bus is acomin’ at ya looking like it’s rife full of billowing, black smoke, you know it’s a bit too full to board, and that you’d best wait for the next one.

Although it doesn’t count as an actual club, I think my love of clubbing started waaay back in 6th grade when I went to a roller rink and the song "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock came on.  That bass line played over the loud speakers was all I needed to get me hooked.

You don’t have to believe in God.  You don’t have to believe in a higher power.  Even if neither exist, the mere awareness that a greater good exists is all the God you need.

"What is that?  Art gum on a screw?"
–comedian Sabrina Mathews re: the alleged "brakes" on roller blades

Whoever in the hell is Rachel Ray, and why was she given her own talk show?  Why did the almighty Oprah consent to guest star on it?

I eat like  a horse, drink like a fish, nap like a cat, and fly high as an eagle most weekends.  Who am I?

"Why doncha go suck on a sack o’ spinach, mkay?"
–facetious aspersion I cast the other day

Remember that when you say something "literally" happened, it has to have actually happened. It doesn’t work as a form of hyperbole, instead coming off as a sign of stupidity.

The mother in "Muriel’s Wedding" is easily one of the saddest characters in all of cinema.

Fruit-flavored antacids really defeat the purpose.

All I ask of people is that they be honest, not lame, and smell like they just came out of the wash.

Stay black, stay strong.

"A likely story!"
–Mrs. Peacock, "Clue"

I had a gay roommate in college of quite questionable character who loved Madonna, and, in apparent response to the general consensus that she was/is a vapid slut, declared that her IQ test scores were actually quite high.  Joe Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s father, also once went on record declaring that his daughter was, in fact, "smart". 

Here’s the thing: If you need people to go to bat for you proclaiming your smarts, chances are you’re really not that bright since intelligence speaks for itself.

How come cats and dogs are born with lush fur coats full of beautiful patterns, but people come out lookin’ all…woof…

I hate commercials more than anything ever.

I prefer people with somewhat acerbic temperaments. Folks who shoot straight from the hip. No nonsense types. I don’t trust people who are always or often happy and nice. The world is not a nice and happy place. And acting as though it were so makes it neither more so nor more bearable. Happy moments are sporadic, fleeting, and precious. Acting just as you feel is far more preferable than putting on a happy face. Cheer down.

Like crotch surgery performed sans anesthesia, "Sex and the City" was a clodding parade of humorless hyperbole and mind-fracturing cliche, featuring ogre-ess Sarah Jessica Parker as an inexplicable sex- and fashion icon. The only time I wanna see a bunch of broads get together and shoot the shiznat is if those broads names are Dorothy, Sophia, Blanche, and Rose, thank you.

How can you have the conviction to believe in something if you don’t have the courage to question it?

It’s amazing to me that so much time, money, and effort is invested into stydying animals for fun ("Meerkat Manor" anyone?) when the human race has its own host of problems that need remedying.  I’m not saying that all those Animal Planet-type shows aren’t fun and interesting.  I’m just looking at it from a sort of global time-management perspective.  Ya know, maybe prioritize finding a cure for AIDS, stopping the human trafficking industry, etc. over studying the eating habits of howler monkeys.  Just a thought.

What in the hell did Alex H. on "Laguna Beach" do to her hair?  My second favorite OC ho (next to Kristin) done warped her blond tresses into a crimped rat’s nest the color of dog poo.  No.

I need a new wallet.  The ’60s-styled Barbie decal on mine has all but worn off.

I hate it when people use "that" instead of "who" when they’re supposed to. As in, "she’s the girl *that’s* married to him." If you’re a person, ya get "who", not a "that". It’s a linguistic privelege, so take advantage and get it right.

Erik Palladino is utterly hot. He is also the most heterosexual man alive, so I don’t stand a chance in hiz-ell.

Why do cartoon characters always wear the same outfit?

Is it "End scene" or "And scene"?

"Leann Womack has no idea this remix exists."
–Holla Scholar regarding the import CD single club remix of her counrty hit "I Hope You  Dance"

Avocados are the smoothest, most delectable member of the vegetable family.  You can slip them into anything–a sandwich, a burger, a salad, a dip–and it adds a certain je ne sais wuzzup to the whole culinary experience, like a suave, hip invitee to a late night soiree.

In college, I had a philosophy instructor whose first name was Skip.

I can’t help it: Everytime I walk through the Marina, all I see are those boob-baring chicks from the "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

Nick Simmons is yummy.

"If you smoked, you’d smoke Pall Malls."
–Holla Scholar with robust conclusiveness to me

I may not be the nicest person on Earth, but I’m really big on manners. So can I ask why it is that when you tell a straight guys "Thanks" he responds with "Yup"? As if the thanks is expected and not appreciated?

I can’t go more than a week without listening to Jasper Street Company’s "God Helps Those (Who Help Themselves)".

Did you know that Webster’s defines "homophobia" as "*irrational* fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals". Rock on, Webster!

"You callin’ the man?!"
–female transient who’d boarded the bus without paying to bus driver who’d begun calling the police

For Halloween this year, I plan to dress up as one of those ghetto fabulous Muni bus drivers.  You know, with the trademark brown polyester slacks, vest, and shirt, but with my hairs all did up like some shellacked, stylized sculpture that resembles something like shit as it oozes from the anus.  With magenta tips, y’all.

People who overuse–or really, use at all–the phrase "you guys" should be drawn and quartered.

In college, I had a pet rabbit named Bunny Bunshine of the Bunshinevilles.  We called him Bunny for short.

Once a church, always a church.  Once something else (e.g. bowling alley, movie theatre), never a church.  It’s just sacrilegiously tacky, and God don’ ‘ppreciate that.